Open letter to Minister Alberto Garzón: put a cow in your life!

Your Excellency Mr Alberto Garzón Espinosa, Minister for Consumer Affairs, you are absolutely right. Your recent words to The Guardian newspaper of 26 December have been manipulated and distorted by your political enemies, in an attempt to discredit your enviable political career and your internationally recognised prestige as a prize-winning economist.

But they will achieve neither. His proven qualities as a distinguished statesman, a staunch defender of Spanish farmers, stockbreeders and fishermen, fighting tooth and nail against the machinations of employers and unscrupulous bankers, are known and admired by each and every one of our compatriots.

I dare say that his continuous efforts to raise the quality of the meat and vegetable foods that Spaniards from all regions eat, including diets with tasty and healthy insect-based dishes, are even known to the vast majority of the citizens of the world and the green-skinned aliens who inhabit the planets beyond the Solar System.

His thoughtful criticism of the excesses of intensive livestock farming practised by heartless entrepreneurs and self-employed people who give a bad life to cows, sheep and pigs, with such a growing negative impact on the environment and the quality of meat and milk, has even earned him the applause of the great leader of North Korea.

In the democratic, feminist and progressive country whose high standard of living His Excellency longs for, while envying the cleanliness and care of its dairy and beef cattle, the young and plump President Kim Jong-un pays special attention to the quality of the pastures that feed his ruminants, who also enjoy a great deal of freedom of movement, almost as much as the North Koreans.

In order to solve the catastrophic situation caused by the large number of macro bovine farms that devastate Spanish lands and to implement the model of extensive and sustainable livestock farming that your enlightened mind advocates, I propose the initiative that I am about to formulate.

It consists of the propaganda machines of the PSOE and the PCE, in coordination with the communications department of the Ministry of Consumer Affairs of your worthy leadership, to publicise the plan "Put a cow in your life" to the four winds.

Under the slogan "Put a cow in your life", the project would be broadcast on TV channels, radio stations and media that have a real appreciation for your efforts. The media campaign would cause millions of Spaniards to take to the streets with the intention of buying and housing a dairy or meat cow in their homes, be they ground floors, flats, chalets or flats.

Minister, don't be afraid to take the plunge and turn cows into pets. They are bigger and a little heavier than dogs and cats, but they are cuddly, cuddly and warm, which saves heating costs in winter and lowers heating bills.

With a cow at home, couples, families with children and emancipated singles would have fresh, just-milked milk every morning, to the delight of young and old alike. The initiative is very simple to implement. All it takes is to set up a small cowshed in one of the rooms of a private home, provide a milking stool and a container in which to pour the milk.

That's for sure. For the complete happiness of the cows, they should be walked once a day in the streets and squares. The problem is in the flats, but a generous subsidy to install a proper lift would solve the problem of getting the ruminant up and down. Something like 1,000 euros/month, a pittance for accounting purposes.

His Excellency would be the architect of true extensive livestock farming, which is that which is practised in the home, let there be no doubt about it. And he would go down in the history of the Communist Party of Spain and Izquierda Unida, the two political formations in which he holds important posts, as "The Great Alberto Garzón, the one with the chim-pom cows".

The initiative would create markets with an economic potential far greater than artificial intelligence, aeronautics and finance. His Excellency, who is an economist, can make the calculations with great precision. For example, supermarkets would stock their shelves with grass, pasture and cow feed, the number of veterinary clinics and doctors would increase, and the platonic love of animals would grow.

I make no secret of the drawbacks. On the one hand, there are the methane gas belches they frequently expel, which generate the greenhouse effect. On the other hand, there is the abundant solid waste - the droppings - and pee, the disposal of which would create serious problems for local councils and would be a delight for flies and horseflies. But by charging a new tax to which the government has accustomed Spaniards, problem solved.

Finally, the laws and legal norms that prevent the existence of cattle ranches and livestock farms in the interior of towns should be modified. Such a legislative reform would be a golden opportunity for him to be included in the list of recipients of the National Intelligence Centre's reports, as has already happened with his colleague, Pablo Iglesias. And, of course, for President Pedro Sánchez to include him on the list of the Spanish delegation that will attend the NATO summit at the end of June in Madrid.

Yours sincerely, the author.

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