Dearest sister in the animal faith. Exalted Minister of Social Rights. Luminary of the 2030 Agenda. Your Excellency:
The purpose of this letter is to convey to you as faithfully as possible the contents of the sound letter sent to me by the Supreme Council of Dogs, Cats and Companion Animals (PEGAC). In legitimate representation of millions of four-legged mammals, they ask me to duly interpret their guaus, miaus, howls and various sounds in the aforementioned audio and to transmit their demands to you.
The aforementioned Supreme Council thanks you for your efforts for your recently announced draft Animal Protection and Welfare Law. But it understands that your excellency has fallen far short of the measures you intend to take, one of which is to exceed training courses for keeping dogs. And why not also for keeping cats?
As guarantor of the prosperity of both groups, the Supreme Council entrusts me to make your requests public so that, in the shortest possible time, they are reflected in the Official State Gazette as the Law on Dog and Cat Rights, LEDEPEGAT. I will now move on to summarise the just demands of both groups one by one.
The first of all the demands is to put an end once and for all to an aberrant and ancestral bad habit. That dogs and cats are forced to sleep or take a nap on the floor, sofa or armchair, or even rolled up in a small wicker basket. Enough of resting in an unseemly and uncomfortable way, they exclaim.
They demand that at least 30 per cent of newly built homes should have a dedicated room for dogs and cats, including a bed, just as humans do. And in those already built and whose tenants have dog and/or cat companions, a 2-year moratorium should be imposed for the renovation of the house. Of course, dogs and cats in separate rooms. Maximum respect for their privacy.
They demand the immediate incorporation of a dog minister and a cat minister in the national government, with a seat in the Council of Ministers. Of course, with a budget in accordance with the needs of dogs and cats. They point out that a photo session with a smiling face of the President of the Government, Pedro Sánchez, with the first dog and cat to be appointed as ministers, would travel around the world and be on the front pages of television and newspapers in every country. Or a photograph with the minister herself, Ione Belarra. Keep this in mind.
They also demand that there should be councillors in the different Autonomous Communities and that cats and dogs should be allowed to form part of the governing bodies of Provincial Councils, Town Councils and Island Councils. And they demand that the breakfast before the Council of Ministers, as well as the drinks of wine and banquets after any institutional act, should have liquid and solid food available for them, duly arranged on a table of appropriate height.
They demand that humans be prohibited from using phrases containing indecent expressions and insults such as "son of a bitch" or "you're a slut". They damage the selfless work of females in both groups, their good name and harm their social relationships. Moreover, just as there are laws against male violence, they demand that the same be done against the rape of female dogs and cats, which also exists, especially on rooftops and in open fields.
Phrases alluding to the ownership of dogs and cats, such as "I am the master of a dog", should be banned and subject to heavy fines. This is to regard them as slaves and, as Minister for Social Rights, she must not allow this under any circumstances. And the consensual and organised slaughter of mammals must be eliminated. No more hot dogs, or seeing the shelves of markets and supermarkets full of beef, chicken, turkey, rabbit, etc. Like dogs and cats, humans have to eat nutritious compounds in 5 kg bags or in individualised batches identified as human food.
The ministry headed by her worthy and intelligent figure should pay for dictionaries of dog and cat languages. The human beings who speak the languages existing in the peninsular geography - including Bable - should know the words and phrases most commonly used by dogs and cats. Ah! They want the speeches of politicians in Congress and the Senate to be interpreted into their languages, similar to the sign language used on television.
They demand that ministries and official institutions should provide suitable spaces where they can stay while their human companions carry out their working hours. If they are confined to the home, or if they are rescue dogs, police dogs or dogs guarding livestock such as sheep, they call for recognition of their work as "sworn watchdogs". In this case, the human being concerned should pay the appropriate social security contributions and their legitimate right to a decent pension should be recognised.
They demand the incorporation of their school-age offspring into kindergartens and schools. And that places be reserved for university entrance. They stress that the lack of education to which they are forced prevents them from accessing qualified jobs, such as computer scientists or veterinarians. They call for suitable desks and toilets where they can comfortably pee and poo, preferably seated, like humans.
The Supreme Council of Dogs and Cats ends its audio by pointing out that it has omitted to use the words Spain, Spanish or Spanish to prevent the distinguished minister from suffering a syncope that could leave her physically and mentally handicapped for life. What I write below is already a commentary on my part. The fact that you are trying to spare your beloved minister from serious embarrassment is a very grateful gesture to the Supreme Council of Dogs and Cats.
Postscript. I also take the point of view of the Asamblea Democrática y Libertaria Perrista y Gatista, as well as that of the Plataforma Popular de Perros y Gatos Callejeros. Both have sent me a joint sounding letter in which they tell me that they applaud with their ears the excellent government measures, whatever they may be, as well as those imposed by the Directorate General for Animal Rights. They understand that her efforts as a minister towards the dog and cat collectives are worthy of supreme praise and so they want to put it on record. They end their letter with "Viva la ministra Ione Belarra".